[x]

deviantART

 

The Darkness Has Been Embalmed by ~Amalgamadora:iconAmalgamadora:

Categories Contests > 2007 > Be Afraid 2007 > Lit Horror


The darkness has been embalmed,
saved for the dilation of pupils.
Water drops echo the void of ill
illumination, the mossy slick stone floor
is presumably protecting permafrost,
and only a single occupied chair prevents this room
from becoming a black hole.

A whimpering can be heard--like howling
creatures of the night--only muffled
by stitched lips: the victim
of an unperceived reality, a truth only
viewed cinematically in all its maniacal
possibilities.

The drops serve as the only tangible
conception to a propitious reality.
Proceeding each one is a silence
which begs to be the last.

As if it were judgment day, a ghastly mask
presents itself, the demented facade
positioning with its play toy-
                              an intrusion to the daunting
                              muteness voiced more
                              chilling than a southbound wind;

one last whimper-
©2007-2009 ~Amalgamadora
Details
Submitted: October 27, 2007
File Size: 1.6 KB
Image Size: 0 bytes
Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 34
Favourites & Collections: 51 [who?]

Views
Total: 1,185
Today: 2

Downloads
Total: 10
Today: 0

Thumb

Author's Comments

Ok yeah, so I'm not dead. I'm a little rusty though, so tear it up!

BTW, I was gone due to college and moving and starting a new life, not because of dA, so yeah,

I'm back :)

This is for the Lit Horror contest going on. Critique encouraged and appreciated.
Daily Deviation, 2007-12-10

Daily DeviationThe Darkness Has Been Embalmed by ~Amalgamadora is a poem which seems to say: I am horror, hear me roar. Stuffed with ghostly lines and madness inducing images, this poem gives a swift sock in the stomach to anyone who says they're too old to appreciate Halloween (which is good, since it won last month's Halloween contest). (Suggested by `WineWriter and Featured by `GunShyMartyr)

[x]

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

Comments


`Beccalicious:iconBeccalicious: Nov 14, 2007, 1:54:31 PM
This gets better as it goes along. The first verse to me was a bit of a blur, but then I feel you really get into the poem in the second. Part of my wants to advsie you to just cut the first altogether and start with the second, but I feel that is a very brutal thing to do.

I think the problem for me with the first verse is that you only have 2 sentences in 7 lines, with 5 of those being one sentence. This is what they look like without the line breaks:

The darkness has been embalmed, saved for the dilation of pupils.

Water drops echo the void of ill illumination, the mossy slick stone floor is presumably protecting permafrost, and only a single occupied chair prevents this room from becoming a black hole.

Maybe revising the structure of this could improve its impact?

I think if you keep the first verse you need it to make the impact, make the story to set the atomosphere for the rest of the poem. Your second verse does this. I like the rest of the poem too.

Will look forward to seeing your revisions.

xxx

--
Administrator and founder of *Writers-Workshop
Head of Literature on =DailyDeviants
Feature hunter on *WordCount

Debate the fantasy forum!

(Sometimes I write too!)
=salshep:iconsalshep: Dec 1, 2007, 10:58:01 PM
Congrats, you!!!!!!

--
<salshep> <ordie>I should wite something awsome
<salshep> It's true
<ordie> You're write. That's my one-size-fits-all reort.

#Cabal. Because someone needs to be.
~spookylittlegirl:iconspookylittlegirl: Dec 2, 2007, 8:40:42 PM
congrats...

--
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(\/)
( . .)
c(")(") Bunny!
*jonzoiplu:iconjonzoiplu: Dec 3, 2007, 6:42:22 PM
congrats, reiterated.


congo-rats-elations!

--
let's go play on a baggage carousel
~Amalgamadora:iconAmalgamadora: Dec 3, 2007, 7:54:28 PM
Thanks! I really appreciate it :)

--
Refrain from calculating your juvenile poultry before the incubation process has been executed... man I need a new signature.

Go to =DailyDeviants NOW! We demand your attention :D
~Amalgamadora:iconAmalgamadora: Dec 3, 2007, 7:55:08 PM
thanks, and congrats to you as well :)

--
Refrain from calculating your juvenile poultry before the incubation process has been executed... man I need a new signature.

Go to =DailyDeviants NOW! We demand your attention :D
~Amalgamadora:iconAmalgamadora: Dec 3, 2007, 7:55:41 PM
Thanks for the comment and fave :)

--
Refrain from calculating your juvenile poultry before the incubation process has been executed... man I need a new signature.

Go to =DailyDeviants NOW! We demand your attention :D
~cougashika:iconcougashika: Dec 6, 2007, 11:08:05 PM
Evokes both dread and despair. Truly deserved to be a winner!

--
They say go with your best; I have more endurance than patience.
`triptychr:icontriptychr: Dec 9, 2007, 12:04:34 PM
The first stanza, with its alliteration, makes for a sort of lighter, sardonic atmosphere that gets dashed in the next stanzas. It made me feel at first that the beginning of the poem wasn't quite as good as the rest, but I don't think it's really all that bad on its own. It just feels like a clash of motifs.

--
Hello. We are the letters in this sentence, and we would just like to express our appreciation of you reading us.
Previous Page1234Next Page

Site Map

©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy